Frustration

Short entry today as I am super tired. Woke up at like 3:56 and then was mostly up until 6, then with just a bit of dozing. Slept a slight bit between 6 and 7:30 but the dog was all over the place. 

Big thing today -- tried to open a Fidelity account as it will save me about 9K in fees every year. However, couldn't do it online as I was born in the US, even though I renounced my citizenship back in 2019. So end result after time on phone (so fun) is that I need to go into London and apply in person and bring my evidence that I am no longer American. It's worth a £70 ticket to save that much a year. I do like the current place I'm at for customer service BUT 9K in savings a year is big, especially over time. So small bit of pain for a good effect. It just draws out the stress. I do have my half of the cash in hand now, which makes me feel less adrift. So I'll try and go Friday.

I have a random purple bruise on my knee, no idea how it got there.

Had an almost 5K walk today but it was rainy and awful, so part of it was in Tesco.

Yamada has gained their appetite, but also is still very up and down and didn't make it into school. I am trying to be patient. But I do think they'd actually feel better if they went. But the school is being understanding. 

Otherwise...eh, husband and I both researched what the next steps are and lawyer costs and timeline and whew even though we've agreed everything, we have to get it all written up legally and it's likely going to take 6 months or more. So while on the one hand I feel like everything is moving kind of fast and I'm not ready, it's also all going to take a long time. Tomorrow I need to call some lawyers to get things started. I am not looking forward to this.

I feel like I accomplished very little today. And tomorrow am stuck at home as waiting on new car delivery and one of Yamada's Christmas gifts. So. There you go. Tuesday.

Oh! Forgot. Got a Christmas card from a friend I met playing a mobile game, so I chatted with her in Discord and talked for a bit. We're going to try and reconnect, which will be great. She lives reasonably near in Leamington Spa. She'd come over once and we had a Kpop hot pot night and sat out by the firepit. 

I did say daily, didn't I?

I don't know why I said daily, but I guess it's a good check in. I'm very tired today. Just not sleeping well, waking up too early. Taking some herbal sleepy time kind of pills to try and get me to sleep too.

Anyway. Today. Did manage to to go to the gym. Did run into one of the old ladies, but had no difficult questions. I think I'm just not going to say anything if I don't have to. A lie of omission. Because I don't want to cry at the gym. Maybe in a month or so when things aren't so raw. Managed 5K. Mix of hill climb and run. Charged the stupid car for hopefully the last time ever.

Yamada was very off and didn't make it into school. I feel so very very helpless when that happens because there's not much I can do but wait. And make food. Which is such an Asian mom thing to do, I guess.

Told husband about the thing that had been bugging me. A mutual friend had told me that he said I gave him an ultimatum. I did not. All I had said was that he needed to go off and think and figure out whether he could be better to us. He obviously came back with a resounding NO but there you go. I wouldn't call that an ultimatum. I didn't say sort yourself out or I'm leaving or anything like that. But in the new quest for radical honesty and not swallowing things anymore, I told him I didn't like that and that I would like him to NOT tell his dad that. He apologised. He's apologising a lot now, but it's all too late, isn't it?

Anyway. Again. We finished sorting the agreed upon terms. Split-wise, I'll be winding up more like 54% vs. 46% but I'll have primary responsibility for Yamada, though we are going to split uni costs. And it's a lot more expensive to live here (and London, where I plan to return) than where he'll be. 

It honestly makes me feel sick to the stomach to discuss that stuff, even over chat. How do 34 years come down to that? It's so transactional. But I have to look out for myself and for Yamada. But I hate it. I really hate it. The cash portion has already been transferred to my investment account and I need to move it somewhere with less fees (same fund, less fees) to be smart. Need to start that this week. Couldn't summon the wherewithal to do it today, though I've already done the research for where it is going. I've also moved enough to cover the next year's living expenses over to my normal bank account. 

Heard back from the gym lady. My membership contract goes until September. I really wish we hadn't redone (and added Yamada's friend) the memberships back in September this year, but it is what it is. I don't have any easy way to prove change in income (and, to be fair, I can afford it...but I'm trying to reduce my outflow because I really don't know what the next while is going to entail). So I'll keep it until then I guess. Yamada is thinking he may ditch his if we can get a treadmill at home. We'll see. He has a 90 day notice he has to give, so we can think about it a bit.

What else? Ah. I was feeling antsy and didn't think I could do any writing, so I sorted and cleaned out the DVD cabinet. Am keeping quite a few (mostly old stuff you can't easily find, even streaming) but cleaned out probably 200 or close to it. Listed some on FB, we'll see if anyone wants any. If not, will take to CEX or donate.

Made dinner. One of those pre-done/reheat meat in a box things, but it wasn't bad. Made Yamada roasted potatoes and a side of sautéed leek + peppers. I skipped the potatoes and had salad, upon which I put too many wasabi sesame seeds. 

Had a bath. Yeah, that was pretty much it. Some more research. Ordered some stuff for Yamada. 

I just feel really empty today. It's 10:30 now, going to head to bed.

New-ish Wheels

I did pretty good today. Only briefly cried twice, randomly. But, I got up -- at 6:45, thanks to the Damn Dog -- and did an hour of strength training with dumbbells. Yamada was up, made them a coffee and toast. Called about the one car (Peugeot) and made an appointment to see it. Drove ALL the way over there in the rain (it was in Leicester) and test drove it. Got back, did some more research and searches, and decided it was the way to go (better car than the Ford I was also looking at), negotiated a tiny bit, paid a deposit, and the car should be delivered on Wednesday...after which I will never ever have to drive that stupid MG again. Did more research, found car insurance, and set that up. All that's left is for car to get here, check it out and verify things, and pay the car tax.

Also got Yamada to do the mini Christmas tree with me and we ordered out for dinner and watched an episode of the Apothecary Diaries. Yamada left the bedroom!! Doing the tree did give me a bit of a cry, but we hugged it out and were okay. Next year, we'll do a slightly bigger tree, but probably never again a massive huge one like we used to get. I can't get something like that on or off a car.

Lots of research-y things today so in some ways I don't feel like I did a lot but on the other hand, I sorted a car. That's enough. Every step counts.

But did talk to the Italian guy I've been doing some freelance work for and have picked some more up, which is good. Selling the MG once husband is done with it will offset the Peugeot's cost, but I'm adding more work AND have cut 1000 per month in estimated expenses so far and possibly some more to come. 

Yamada and I are discussing whether we want to keep the gym membership going (or for how long) and maybe just get a home treadmill and some more weights instead. And I'd be fine with that, honestly. Rearranging the living room a bit and we have room. Had thought we'd use the pool / steam room / sauna more but they are broken half the time. 

So, little by little, sorting things out. 

Weight staying steady at 47.8. Not doing active tracking like I had been, just being reasonable. Also don't have a lot of appetite. My goal was around here, but I think I can range between 45 and 48ish and be okay, especially as I tone up more. Body fat at 19% which is a far cry lower than where I was when I started.

Today was coffee with collagen powder, mushroom soup + protein flatbread toast, 1 chocolate. Since we ordered out, some not very good for me chicken (4 pieces), and a raw carrot. Half of a hot chocolate. Horrible rainy day, so not many steps, but at least I had the hour of working out.

Did tell one cousin about it all as she was asking lots of questions, but she's the quiet one and I trust her not to say anything to anyone yet. Don't want to ruin father-in-law's wedding experience for his granddaughter. 

I gotta come up with a name to call soon to be former husband as I don't like using real names here. I'll figure something out at some point.

One step forwards, two steps back

Today was good and bad. I guess every day is good and bad now, sometimes just a lot more bad than others. Last night, I did a meditation thing around 10:30 and nearly fell asleep, then thought to myself, hey, self, you should close that app. And did. And put the phone right down again. But then I was awake until almost 1. Woke up at 6:45. Couldn't get back to sleep. Went for a walk, just 4K, but I guess that was better than continuing to lie there and think.

Organised a bookshelf so it didn't have conspicuously empty spots. Put some more things in the "to go away" stack. Cleaned off some of the things on the kitchen windowsill. Had a small act of rebellion and put the dish with the sponge on the windowsill instead of under the cabinet. I think it dries better there and doesn't make the inside of the cabinet smell. Hung up some more art. Cancelled the Ad Free for Prime as haven't watched anything on there in ages (have also cancelled other things, like Viki).

Accomplishments...

Went by myself to the largest used car dealership in the area. There weren't many cars in my price range that were automatic, and I learned I need to scratch Audi from my list (older models don't support Apple Carplay). He did show me a Ford though, which I hadn't had on my list and it wasn't bad at all. Everything was positioned well for me and the rear boot door opens sideways instead of up. But when I got home and researched it, could see it was overpriced. But I did find another one, with supposedly the nicer trim, elsewhere as well as a nice looking Peugeot. Had to scratch a lot of other cars off my list too--any Mercedes or BMWs and some others that were within the budget I set myself have close to 100K miles. I feel like that's too much. The two I'm considering now are both under 40K.

I am proud of myself for doing this. I hate car shopping. It is hard. I always feel like no matter which I choose, it will be the wrong one. Though now I have to go see those two cars, and one is in Leicester (37 miles away) and the other is in Birmingham (20ish away). And the weather is crap. I don't like to drive here, but I'll do it, because I need to.

The Harder today was that Yamada was in a bad way. They go nearly catatonic with a bad episode and, as far as I can tell, there's nothing you can do except wait it out and bring food. Bit better now, but we didn't get the Christmas Tree decorated or anything like that. Yamada barely left their room (or bed) today.

And I hate that. I hate it because I feel so utterly helpless when that happens. I would do anything if I could fix it for Yamada and make things better.

So I did have a few wee cries today, but at least they didn't last too long. Am trying to talk myself out of them. 

Other good. My niece sent me a fancy face mask, so I'm trying it out. I had a bath, which I've been doing nightly. Got some magnesium flakes and lavender bath stuff. It does help. And I've been taking those herbal sleepy/calm pills, which also do help a bit. Don't want to take the full strength Nytol every night.

And I keep thinking about what a friend (mutual friend of the two of us) said after I told her a bit about my side of why he left me/I gave up. She said that he was a lot of fun...until he's not. And that's so true. He can be great...until he's not. And then he's really not. And she said she wasn't surprised.

Sigh. I'm so tired.

In other good news, back about a month ago I had installed Bumble For Friends. I'd tried it out ages ago in London and had kind of met some people and I thought I'd try it again. This was before the world crumbled. Anyway, I'd had it on both male and female at first and then quickly switched to just female as it was obvious the dudes weren't looking for just friendship even though it is literally in the name of the app. Anyway, one lady I've been chatting with seems nice and a good possibility and hopefully we'll meet up in the new year.

I do not think I will ever try a dating app. 

Another Day...

Writing has always helped me. I'm going to try to write in here more often. Also because I don't feel like I know how my finances are going to shake out yet and I don't want to add a therapy charge on top of anything else until I know. Which maybe isn't good, but my dude (who I shall henceforth refer to as Yamada), is going weekly right now for £160 a pop. And Yamada needs it. I haven't written about any of that, but I'm going to sit that out for now. I don't think anyone reads this, but you never know, even though I don't have it indexed. Search is sneaky. And Yamada's business is Yamada's business.

Anyway. Today. Yamada didn't make it into school. They'd made the rest of the week but today was just too much. And you know what, fair. Every day has been hard and I find myself randomly sobbing out of nowhere. But, I needed to charge that hateful car today, so I went to the gym where there are chargers and gave it a shot. I made it through 5K, a bit of running, but mostly hill climb so I could watch Campfire Cooking in Another World. I was lucky in that none of the old ladies that know anything about me were in at the same time, so I got out without any questions. And then I went to Sainsbury's and managed to buy the tiniest little Christmas tree ever (they'd had more the day before--I wish I'd bought one then) without crying. We're going to decorate our little Charlie Brown tree tomorrow.

I did put up some Christmas decorations. And I've been hanging up art that's been sitting in the closet. I just want -- need -- things to feel different. Other. And I'm making a stack of husband stuff in an out of the way corner of the living room for him to pack. Old me would have done the packing but new me is tired.

I am swapping between ok, relieved, terrified, and lonely on a regular basis. But trying to breathe and reclaim myself. I had some small acts of rebellion -- I swirled my coffee, which he hated and would complain about. I only opened the curtains half way instead of all the way. I researched possible used cars so I can be shut of his car that I absolutely detest and makes my blood boil (charging it today was a fiasco, I had to try three machines to get it to connect and it was freezing outside). 

Instead of Friday pizza, we had crispy duck and pancakes and some hoisin duck bao. We watched an episode of the Apothecary Diaries together. Yamada suggested that we pick a different meal every Friday (instead of our traditional homemade pizza night) and we're going to call it Fancy Fridays until we come up with a better name. I played whatever music I wanted, which was not, contrary to what he seemed to think I listened to, any man-hating stuff. As evidenced by my Spotify wrapped, I mostly listen to K-Pop and fast songs good for exercising to. 

We decided on a new tradition: Katsu Curry Christmas. 

So progress was made. I still took a bath and sobbed for a bit, but there were moments of okay-ness today.

Eggshells

The thing that I have been threatened with and feared for so many years has finally happened, though perhaps not in the way I thought it would. After 34 years, instead of leaving me in a fit of drunken anger or just plain cruelty, my husband is leaving me because he doesn't want to hurt me anymore. And that is a true thing, but it is also true that, in a lot of ways, I think it was easier for him to leave than to actually try and change or be better. He's refused to try therapy or counselling or anything like that and 

I have stayed because I love him. I have stayed, at times, because I had no choice--literally no choice: stuck in another country with nowhere to return to and no help and a child. I have stayed because there were also good times and because there was always hope and glimmers of the man that I loved. 

I am not perfect either. Though I had tried many times to tell him, I should have tried harder, been more honest instead of scared. Now it's too late.

I'll write more another time. I'm just so exhausted.

The Water Magician

I'm not sure what appealed to me about The Water Magician--it seemed soft somehow? But I thought I'd try it. I also *thought* it was fully released, but it isn't, dammit.

It is, honestly, standard isekai fare. Ryo is reincarnated into a fantasy world called Phi after an accident. The "angel" (?) who gives him the news doesn't realise until after he's off that Ryo has a hidden ability -- Eternal Youth, which, as far as I can tell, means the Fairy King likes him. They mythology of Phi is a bit of a mish-mash, given the Fairy King and demons, and multi-level dungeons, but fairly "normal" for isekai.

Ryo is quite OP and isn't totally obtuse, which is nice. I did like that the first part of the series was him sorting things out all by his lonesome at a remote cabin. Though, like every character that wishes for a "slow life", he is soon catapulted into anything but.

So, while it isn't groundbreaking in anyway and if you think about it objectively, a little underwhelming (there's fair bit where he's not even the focus, in some ways), I am liking it. There's no harem, though there is an elf girl that immediately sees how special he is (he is, after all, carrying a weapon and clothes from the Fairy King himself). She must figure largely at some point, but we've barely seen her other than her being his library buddy, but the entire end credit sequence is devoted to her so she must be "big". Or the animators just like elf girls.

There's a fair bit of "bromance" as he's pals with a talented fighter named Abel (he saved Abel after a shipwreck and then helped get him back home, which is how he was rousted from his cozy but lonely house). I do like their somewhat snarky and bemused relationship. 

I'm just about caught up on currently released episodes and this probably isn't one that I'd go out and buy the books for (unless they go a lot more in depth), but it is the kind of isekai I'd recommend to those who've never seen one -- it doesn't have the "ick" that a lot of them do.

Solo Camping for Two

So...I'm holding off on the Betrothed to my Sister's Ex until they are all released. I'm all caught up on Silent Witch (which I am enjoying a lot). I should finish Miss Night and Day but I've been in the mood for short episodes and not long ones. Not sure I'm going to finish Cinderella's Closet (or, if I do, it'll be after they are all released). And there's a few in progress ones that are up to the angsty bits and I've been putting them off. So...I started Solo Camping for Two. Which I just realised isn't fully released either. Sigh.

I honestly almost didn't go on after the first episode because the female character is really quite whiny and entitled. But let me go back to what it's about first...

Gen, the dude, loves to go camping by himself. It's how he escapes the humdrum of life in the city. On this particular fateful camping trip, he returns to his campfire to find a half dressed woman drying herself on his campfire (she fell in a river). She came to camp but got lost, showed up after the camping office was closed, and didn't bring a tent with her. Yeah. She's kinda useless, but she gloms onto him and complains when he's grumpy. 

Then she somehow convinces him to go with her another time so she can properly learn how to solo camp, hence the solo camping for two thing. In the first two episodes, I can't say I like her much. She demands a lot of a total stranger and whines. A lot. If it weren't for her cooking, I can't imagine why he agrees to any of it.

She gets a bit better (am starting on episode 4 now) as she learns. This show reminds me a bit of Laid Back Camp except it's obviously more adult (though not much, really...just has older characters) and the probability of some romance is high (her friends are pushing that button...I mean, fair, who starts camping one on one with a total stranger of the opposite sex?). It's a bit of slice of life and somewhat educational (I'm learning a bit about camping, which is not something I've ever done really). 

So I'd say it's getting better, but not that I love it. There does appear to be a live action version as well, so it must have been a fairly big hit. I wonder if she's any more palatable in the live action? Or if it's worse? I've not had great luck with Japanese live action shows.

I will, however, note that this might be the most apt casting I've seen compared to the anime art.

Right vibe, unlike the live action of Takane and Hana.

Officer Black Belt

Thought I'd do something different and watch a movie. I'd thought Officer Black Belt with Kim Woo-Bin was a drama series but saw it was actually a movie and figured it would be a good foray into something different. I've always heard good things about him, but hadn't really seen him in anything. He's well known for Uncontrollably Fond but I know he dies in it and it's a sad ending, so I haven't seen it. He's also in one that's just releasing that I'm more likely to watch now (as I liked him in this) called Genie, Make a Wish. He does make an appearance in A Gentleman's Dignity, but I didn't make it all the way through that one and looks like he was a smaller part in it and I don't remember him (honestly, I've mostly tried to put that hackneyed series totally out of mind). 

I'd say my only quibble about this film at all is that he's 36 and, while I'm not sure how old the character is supposed to be, I'm pretty sure it's a lot younger than that. Not that he looks old or anything and he can definitely kick ass, but he doesn't look like he's in his early 20s. 

But let me start over. He plays Lee Jung-Do, a prodigy at martial arts (3rd dan in, like, everything) and he delivers food for his dad's chicken restaurant and plays games with his friends. His nickname is Diarrhea, though thankfully they never explain why. His friends are "Moisture" and "Earthworm" and "Writer Kang". 

He happens to come upon a probation martial arts officer fighting an ankle-monitor wearing criminal and steps in and saves the day. So impressed with his abilities, the office recruits him. He's a bit unsure at first but quickly becomes gung-ho. He's a nice guy and helping people out fuels him. He's also intuitive, brave, and once this other world is revealed to him he can't go back to just having fun.

Long story short, there's some good bits with his older partner (Kim Sun-Min, played by Kim Sung-Kyun), a lot of kick-ass intense (and realistic) fight scenes, and he gets onto a task force tracking one particular horrible criminal who has just been released. This dude (played by Lee Hyun-Geol) is as bad as they come--he preys on children and he also gets right back to business once he is released. That actor has been in about a billion things and I feel like he's often a bad guy.

After the poor dude Jung-Do had saved the first time is killed and his partner has his neck broken (but survives) and Jung-Do himself is stabbed and beaten (not without taking out an absolute herd first), he goes a bit rogue with some help from his posse and succeeds in tracking down the escaped bad guy.

Some things are a bit light on plot and development -- but it's essentially a buddy cop movie where the good guys win and kick a lot of butt but also bad stuff happens. Kim Won-Bin has an easy charm about him and I can see why he's talked about so much. I'll definitely try some of his other stuff, though not Uncontrollably Fond. I don't enjoy tragedies, no matter how good the story or acting is. Officer Black Belt was a solid movie, especially if you like gritty, realistic fight scenes and seeing justice served.

Cinderella's Closet

Ok, so I'd been watching Ascendance of a Bookworm, where I'm up to episode 26. But I was getting a bit overloaded on it and I honestly do not love the High Priest character all that much as he just seems like he's scheming to get as much out of her as possible...and Main herself...she was a grown woman supposedly before but she feels more like a kid. It's, like, get a CLUE please. Also, you now know you have so much mana you're practically a mana battery and can do spells, basically, so why don't you do anything with that??

Anyway. All that to say I had to take a break. And I have just 4 episodes of Miss Night and Day left, but for some reason I didn't want to go back to that quite yet. So I thought I'd try a short episode JDrama called Cinderella's Closet. Maybe that was the deciding factor, actually -- the episodes are only about 20 minutes long. I've watched 5 of them now.

So...Haruka is a country girl gone to the big city for university (or maybe just to live? I thought it was for uni but looking back, I don't think I've seen a single scene where she's in class?). She was sporty before and thought moving there she'd have a chance to get more "girly" and experience all kinds of things -- like getting a boyfriend.

She has a crush on Kurotaki (sp? ...too lazy to look it up) who works with her at a cafe. He's kind of an "every dude" and handsome enough, though he's weirdly very connected for someone who also works at the same place she does when she's constantly complaining about how broke she is.

She winds up running into Hikaru, who is a cross dresser and equally beautiful either when dressed as a woman or a man. She doesn't actually realise at first that he is male. Through reasons, he winds up helping her with her makeup/confidence. And, at this point in the drama, she's dating Kurotaki but Hikaru has his own painful crush on her. Complicating matters is the reappearance of Kurotaki's old girlfriend, who is now a successful YouTube or whatever makeup artist personality. She obviously still has the hots for him. 

They've not particularly made Kurotaki out to be a bad guy; he was reluctant to date her when he thought she was putting him on a pedestal (she was). He was actually pretty self aware -- and he realises quickly that Hikaru's crush is Haruka. There's a brief plot bit where he runs into Hikaru as a guy and doesn't realise it's Hikaru--and Hikaru gives his name as Keisuke (or something like that), but they didn't prolong that deception for very long at all. I imagine that's because of the shortness of the episodes.

It's obvious that H&H will wind up together, though things will conspire against them for a while first. I am not entirely sure I'm going to finish it, but I might since it is so short (though it isn't all released yet). Matsumoto Leo as Hikaru is the biggest bright spot. He shines no matter what he wears and other than particularly loud and frequent exclamations of surprise, his acting is nice. Good expressive eyes. 

Ichika Osaki as Haruka is a bit more painful as it's that kind of flailing over-act-y style. When she has to show real emotion, she does good, but in a lot of the other moments, you kind of want to shake her. I guess, all around, the acting is a bit more unpolished? It'll be fine for a while and then there's bits where you just cringe. And she screams a lot. And when I say "a lot" I mean all the time.

That said, it's charming enough and I like the way they're handling Hikaru's character. Though he may be sharp tongued, he's a walking green flag.

It's been shit

I've been crying a lot today. It's been a lot. Mostly to do with the little dude and I don't want to get into specifics but I'm just at the end of my rope. I am lonely. I am lost. I've just had enough. I am unseen.