Today is a Day

Sleeping pill helped last night, though it's not like I can keep taking them every night. But I did sleep until around 7ish, though I still woke up a few times. That's better. I got up and went to the gym by myself and did 55 minutes (alternating walk/low incline with weight exercises/running) and also went into the steam room and sauna for a bit. Will very likely just keep the gym membership until September, when current contract expires, and just get a small treadmill for home instead. Max would rather work out at home too. We'll see. I think I also want to give it up because it was a place I went with T and all the friendly old ladies (who I've luckily not run into as I've been going at odd times) ask questions that are bound to make me cry and I just don't wanna melt down at the gym if I can help it. 

Anyway, other than that, just did some rearranging. Still plucking out T things from around the house and putting them in his stack. I'm not going to pack things for him, but I'm happy to start stacking stuff. I really just kind of want to reduce his presence around here so that he's not everywhere I look. That'll be even easier once I can move, of course, but I'm getting a start now. It does help make it feel more like "my place" (or mine and Yamada's). I imagine he might be surprised when he gets back from his US trip and sees a lot of little changes. But, honestly, kinda screw his feelings on this. I'm the one being left. I'm not tiptoeing anymore. And if I have to stay here for another year and half, I want to at least be moderately comfortable.

Maybe I'll type more later today but I am kinda desperately tired. It's just 4 PM but I think I'll have a little lie down until time to cook dinner.

Checking In: Weight: 47.3 kg, Body Fat 18.3%

[Start Feb 2024 66.2 kg (147 lbs); Total Loss 18.9 kg/43 lbs. Don't know body fat from the start, but about a month after was at 32.2% so total loss 13.9%-ish]

I can haz anger

I feel really angry today. Sad, yes, but also angry. It may be because I took my morning to drop off some of T's (going with an initial because, honestly, I do not want to type husband anymore) Portuguese Visa paperwork to a place to get apostilled. It's a favour, as this is purely just for him, obviously, as he's leaving and buggering off to Portugal without me. Texted him I'd dropped it. Sent an update on Yamada. No response.

I know he's busy off doing wedding stuff but it made me think about how I am. Just. Too. Damn. Nice. For 34 years I've done shit for him -- stuff he didn't want to do or didn't think to do or whatever. Sent the Christmas cards. Bought the presents. Made appointments. Took care of all the house stuff. Did all the parenting stuff. Moved whenever he needed to move. Always did all the packing. The laundry. 

I am so done. I am so, so, so tired. 

I don't even know what I want to do with my life, really, but I do know I don't want to DO anything for him anymore because I haven't gotten anything out of it but meanness and cruelty in recent years. Random strangers have been nicer to me than T has in the last 15 years in particular. It wasn't always bad, but it was never always good, if you know what I mean.

I've tried SO HARD for so long to hold the relationship together that I feel very lost right now. I will find my own way and I will be okay. I do have my own dreams. I am my own person. I don't have to be someone else's shadow.

Oh. And the other thing that really rubbed me the wrong way today. I posted in our Friends DND WhatsApp group that I'd found & bought a car (as old car was his car and besides hating it, it was HIS car). And he responds THERE and says "Little steps" and I wanted to just say FUCK YOU VERY MUCH. It wasn't a little step for me. It was a big deal for me. Visited multiple dealerships. I researched cars, of which I have very little interest in. Drove 40 minutes to go test drive it -- in the rain, which I hate driving in. Even bargained a bit. Set up the delivery and the insurance and paid the car tax and set up reminders for the MOT and set up breakdown cover, which we've never bothered with before, because now I don't have anyone to call in case of an emergency. It wasn't a little step for me.

I feel like he's been trying to make me small for 34 years and I am so very, very exhausted of it all.

Looking Forward

The sleeping pill helped, though it was my last one in the box and I'll need to get some more. Still didn't get to sleep until nearly midnight and woke up a few times, but was actually in bed until just before 8. So the most sleep I've had in weeks, I think. 

Checking in: Weight 47.3 kg today (104.2 lbs)
[Start Feb 2024 66.2 kg (147 lbs); Total Loss 18.9 kg/43 lbs.]

I will get back to more anime/manga/Kdrama posting here at some point, but I read a thing this morning about how it can help to focus on or imagine the Future You to help you climb out of whatever hole you are in. And, at the moment, I'm so focused on trying to get through the holidays and the divorce and the awfulness that I've not really thought about the future beyond "I'd like to get back to London" because, to be fair, it's the only place I can think of.

I mean, it does make sense. I have figured out already that I really don't like living in England outside of London. I do not crave a charming English countryside life, picturesque as it might seem. I like cities and some bustle. Things to do and distract you and places to people watch. And I want to be around my friends again. 

But I'm kind of digressing. This is about not thinking of the how or why you get there, but where you want to envision yourself in five years. So. Five years, future me. I'm almost 53, so I'll be just about 58, which sounds old but hey, I'm healthier now than I was at 30.

I'm living alone in a house in London that's my own space, colourful and decorated how I want it. Lots of books that I don't necessarily have time to read. I can leave my makeup bag out on the bathroom counter if I want to and even leave curtains closed if I want some atmosphere--or throw them open. It's probably a little cluttered but not too messy. I have space to write and paint. 

Yamada is finishing up university and is happy doing their own thing, but I see them on holidays and we chat a lot on WhatsApp. 

I travel, maybe solo, maybe with friends, maybe once a year with Yamada if I can pull them away from their own life. Perhaps three trips a year or maybe more frequently. If I want to, I can ask a friend to water my plants (of which I don't have too many, but some herbs I don't want to die) while I'm gone and go more frequently or even just spur of the moment because I saw a cheap ticket somewhere I haven't been before. I am brave and even go places I didn't think I could go on my own where no one speaks my language. I put a new pin in my wall map whenever I get back.

Perhaps I am still writing books or just picking up some freelance work whenever I want to to keep my mind busy. I take classes and workshops that seem interesting. I make things, because I always like to make things. Maybe I've finally figured out crazy quilting and have made something with the huge stash of batik fabrics I've had sitting in a drawer for years. Maybe I volunteer sometimes, though more likely I mentor.

I have game nights with friends. Maybe I run a Roll20 game online every other week. Maybe weekly, but maybe not. Heck, maybe I just do one shots. 

I walk a lot, because I love to walk London. I know the names of the butcher and the veg sellers. I visit markets. I'm fairly frugal, but every now and then I'll splash out on something I want. The money in the bank is doing okay. I bake cookies at Christmas again and give them out. Sometimes I'll go across town and visit people around Portobello that I still know, if they're still there. 

I'm exercising frequently too and keeping myself healthy. I've kept the weight off and not let it creep back on. I don't use a gym, just do stuff at home, maybe even run around a local park or the streets. 

Sometimes I forget to do anything fancy for dinner, but I always have things on hand I can throw together and make some weird glop that tastes good even if it looks questionable. No one is there to make a comment on it or how I use my utensils or that I use a dishwasher instead of handwashing...though if it isn't a lot, I'll just wash it. I can leave dishes out to dry on the drying rack if I want to. 

I have my morning coffee after I exercise and shower. Sometimes, I do my Vietnamese coffee at home and sometimes I'll walk somewhere to a coffee shop to get out. I say hello to dogs that I pass.

I find my list of museums in London and check off all the ones I hadn't visited yet (I need to find that list; maybe I'll add it here...used to keep it on Yamada's blog). 

I play whatever music I want, any time I want. I binge watch Korean dramas and anime, though sometimes I space them out to keep it going longer. But, I don't watch a lot (often just when exercising). I go to the Prince Charles Cinema whenever they have something funky playing. 

I try out new Chinatown restaurants whenever one opens. I wander through the National Portrait Gallery at a slow pace, staring into the eyes of each portrait that looks interesting. Sometimes I take a sketchbook. 

That's enough for now.

As Pink says, Today was a Shit Day

Been talking it out with a friend and don't actually feel like rehashing it here and some of it is related to Yamada and I don't want to talk over those details. But I shall just say that nothing went as intended today. And trying to sort the legal side of things is awful and stressful. 

And sleep is still an elusive beast. I took a sleeping pill and had a warm soak. I just want to make it past 4 AM, please.

Weigh In

For the last while, I had been using ChatGPT to track every bit of exercise and calories (and protein and fibre). And it worked. But right now I'm just focusing on surviving. I am still weighing in so I can correct if I start to trend the wrong way, though that hasn't been a problem as yet as my appetite is very low (stomach has been a mess). I am still exercising, though I haven't always been getting in my full hour. Like, today I did 30 minutes with the weights. But I've done at least something every day.

So. A weigh in since I'm not tracking via AI right now. 

Today: 47.5 kg (104.7 lbs). 18.5% body fat

My goal is to stay roughly between 45 and 48 kg (100 - 105 lbs). I was able to get off the blood pressure medication at 120 lbs. In high school, I was 85 lbs. I haven't been anywhere near this weight since university (I remember hitting 110/115 when we lived in Miami after we graduated and how traumatic that was). Up to 110 is still ok, but If I can stay 105/below, even better.

Not that it did me any good with the husband.

Frustration

Short entry today as I am super tired. Woke up at like 3:56 and then was mostly up until 6, then with just a bit of dozing. Slept a slight bit between 6 and 7:30 but the dog was all over the place. 

Big thing today -- tried to open a Fidelity account as it will save me about 9K in fees every year. However, couldn't do it online as I was born in the US, even though I renounced my citizenship back in 2019. So end result after time on phone (so fun) is that I need to go into London and apply in person and bring my evidence that I am no longer American. It's worth a £70 ticket to save that much a year. I do like the current place I'm at for customer service BUT 9K in savings a year is big, especially over time. So small bit of pain for a good effect. It just draws out the stress. I do have my half of the cash in hand now, which makes me feel less adrift. So I'll try and go Friday.

I have a random purple bruise on my knee, no idea how it got there.

Had an almost 5K walk today but it was rainy and awful, so part of it was in Tesco.

Yamada has gained their appetite, but also is still very up and down and didn't make it into school. I am trying to be patient. But I do think they'd actually feel better if they went. But the school is being understanding. 

Otherwise...eh, husband and I both researched what the next steps are and lawyer costs and timeline and whew even though we've agreed everything, we have to get it all written up legally and it's likely going to take 6 months or more. So while on the one hand I feel like everything is moving kind of fast and I'm not ready, it's also all going to take a long time. Tomorrow I need to call some lawyers to get things started. I am not looking forward to this.

I feel like I accomplished very little today. And tomorrow am stuck at home as waiting on new car delivery and one of Yamada's Christmas gifts. So. There you go. Tuesday.

Oh! Forgot. Got a Christmas card from a friend I met playing a mobile game, so I chatted with her in Discord and talked for a bit. We're going to try and reconnect, which will be great. She lives reasonably near in Leamington Spa. She'd come over once and we had a Kpop hot pot night and sat out by the firepit. 

I did say daily, didn't I?

I don't know why I said daily, but I guess it's a good check in. I'm very tired today. Just not sleeping well, waking up too early. Taking some herbal sleepy time kind of pills to try and get me to sleep too.

Anyway. Today. Did manage to to go to the gym. Did run into one of the old ladies, but had no difficult questions. I think I'm just not going to say anything if I don't have to. A lie of omission. Because I don't want to cry at the gym. Maybe in a month or so when things aren't so raw. Managed 5K. Mix of hill climb and run. Charged the stupid car for hopefully the last time ever.

Yamada was very off and didn't make it into school. I feel so very very helpless when that happens because there's not much I can do but wait. And make food. Which is such an Asian mom thing to do, I guess.

Told husband about the thing that had been bugging me. A mutual friend had told me that he said I gave him an ultimatum. I did not. All I had said was that he needed to go off and think and figure out whether he could be better to us. He obviously came back with a resounding NO but there you go. I wouldn't call that an ultimatum. I didn't say sort yourself out or I'm leaving or anything like that. But in the new quest for radical honesty and not swallowing things anymore, I told him I didn't like that and that I would like him to NOT tell his dad that. He apologised. He's apologising a lot now, but it's all too late, isn't it?

Anyway. Again. We finished sorting the agreed upon terms. Split-wise, I'll be winding up more like 54% vs. 46% but I'll have primary responsibility for Yamada, though we are going to split uni costs. And it's a lot more expensive to live here (and London, where I plan to return) than where he'll be. 

It honestly makes me feel sick to the stomach to discuss that stuff, even over chat. How do 34 years come down to that? It's so transactional. But I have to look out for myself and for Yamada. But I hate it. I really hate it. The cash portion has already been transferred to my investment account and I need to move it somewhere with less fees (same fund, less fees) to be smart. Need to start that this week. Couldn't summon the wherewithal to do it today, though I've already done the research for where it is going. I've also moved enough to cover the next year's living expenses over to my normal bank account. 

Heard back from the gym lady. My membership contract goes until September. I really wish we hadn't redone (and added Yamada's friend) the memberships back in September this year, but it is what it is. I don't have any easy way to prove change in income (and, to be fair, I can afford it...but I'm trying to reduce my outflow because I really don't know what the next while is going to entail). So I'll keep it until then I guess. Yamada is thinking he may ditch his if we can get a treadmill at home. We'll see. He has a 90 day notice he has to give, so we can think about it a bit.

What else? Ah. I was feeling antsy and didn't think I could do any writing, so I sorted and cleaned out the DVD cabinet. Am keeping quite a few (mostly old stuff you can't easily find, even streaming) but cleaned out probably 200 or close to it. Listed some on FB, we'll see if anyone wants any. If not, will take to CEX or donate.

Made dinner. One of those pre-done/reheat meat in a box things, but it wasn't bad. Made Yamada roasted potatoes and a side of sautéed leek + peppers. I skipped the potatoes and had salad, upon which I put too many wasabi sesame seeds. 

Had a bath. Yeah, that was pretty much it. Some more research. Ordered some stuff for Yamada. 

I just feel really empty today. It's 10:30 now, going to head to bed.

New-ish Wheels

I did pretty good today. Only briefly cried twice, randomly. But, I got up -- at 6:45, thanks to the Damn Dog -- and did an hour of strength training with dumbbells. Yamada was up, made them a coffee and toast. Called about the one car (Peugeot) and made an appointment to see it. Drove ALL the way over there in the rain (it was in Leicester) and test drove it. Got back, did some more research and searches, and decided it was the way to go (better car than the Ford I was also looking at), negotiated a tiny bit, paid a deposit, and the car should be delivered on Wednesday...after which I will never ever have to drive that stupid MG again. Did more research, found car insurance, and set that up. All that's left is for car to get here, check it out and verify things, and pay the car tax.

Also got Yamada to do the mini Christmas tree with me and we ordered out for dinner and watched an episode of the Apothecary Diaries. Yamada left the bedroom!! Doing the tree did give me a bit of a cry, but we hugged it out and were okay. Next year, we'll do a slightly bigger tree, but probably never again a massive huge one like we used to get. I can't get something like that on or off a car.

Lots of research-y things today so in some ways I don't feel like I did a lot but on the other hand, I sorted a car. That's enough. Every step counts.

But did talk to the Italian guy I've been doing some freelance work for and have picked some more up, which is good. Selling the MG once husband is done with it will offset the Peugeot's cost, but I'm adding more work AND have cut 1000 per month in estimated expenses so far and possibly some more to come. 

Yamada and I are discussing whether we want to keep the gym membership going (or for how long) and maybe just get a home treadmill and some more weights instead. And I'd be fine with that, honestly. Rearranging the living room a bit and we have room. Had thought we'd use the pool / steam room / sauna more but they are broken half the time. 

So, little by little, sorting things out. 

Weight staying steady at 47.8. Not doing active tracking like I had been, just being reasonable. Also don't have a lot of appetite. My goal was around here, but I think I can range between 45 and 48ish and be okay, especially as I tone up more. Body fat at 19% which is a far cry lower than where I was when I started.

Today was coffee with collagen powder, mushroom soup + protein flatbread toast, 1 chocolate. Since we ordered out, some not very good for me chicken (4 pieces), and a raw carrot. Half of a hot chocolate. Horrible rainy day, so not many steps, but at least I had the hour of working out.

Did tell one cousin about it all as she was asking lots of questions, but she's the quiet one and I trust her not to say anything to anyone yet. Don't want to ruin father-in-law's wedding experience for his granddaughter. 

I gotta come up with a name to call soon to be former husband as I don't like using real names here. I'll figure something out at some point.

One step forwards, two steps back

Today was good and bad. I guess every day is good and bad now, sometimes just a lot more bad than others. Last night, I did a meditation thing around 10:30 and nearly fell asleep, then thought to myself, hey, self, you should close that app. And did. And put the phone right down again. But then I was awake until almost 1. Woke up at 6:45. Couldn't get back to sleep. Went for a walk, just 4K, but I guess that was better than continuing to lie there and think.

Organised a bookshelf so it didn't have conspicuously empty spots. Put some more things in the "to go away" stack. Cleaned off some of the things on the kitchen windowsill. Had a small act of rebellion and put the dish with the sponge on the windowsill instead of under the cabinet. I think it dries better there and doesn't make the inside of the cabinet smell. Hung up some more art. Cancelled the Ad Free for Prime as haven't watched anything on there in ages (have also cancelled other things, like Viki).

Accomplishments...

Went by myself to the largest used car dealership in the area. There weren't many cars in my price range that were automatic, and I learned I need to scratch Audi from my list (older models don't support Apple Carplay). He did show me a Ford though, which I hadn't had on my list and it wasn't bad at all. Everything was positioned well for me and the rear boot door opens sideways instead of up. But when I got home and researched it, could see it was overpriced. But I did find another one, with supposedly the nicer trim, elsewhere as well as a nice looking Peugeot. Had to scratch a lot of other cars off my list too--any Mercedes or BMWs and some others that were within the budget I set myself have close to 100K miles. I feel like that's too much. The two I'm considering now are both under 40K.

I am proud of myself for doing this. I hate car shopping. It is hard. I always feel like no matter which I choose, it will be the wrong one. Though now I have to go see those two cars, and one is in Leicester (37 miles away) and the other is in Birmingham (20ish away). And the weather is crap. I don't like to drive here, but I'll do it, because I need to.

The Harder today was that Yamada was in a bad way. They go nearly catatonic with a bad episode and, as far as I can tell, there's nothing you can do except wait it out and bring food. Bit better now, but we didn't get the Christmas Tree decorated or anything like that. Yamada barely left their room (or bed) today.

And I hate that. I hate it because I feel so utterly helpless when that happens. I would do anything if I could fix it for Yamada and make things better.

So I did have a few wee cries today, but at least they didn't last too long. Am trying to talk myself out of them. 

Other good. My niece sent me a fancy face mask, so I'm trying it out. I had a bath, which I've been doing nightly. Got some magnesium flakes and lavender bath stuff. It does help. And I've been taking those herbal sleepy/calm pills, which also do help a bit. Don't want to take the full strength Nytol every night.

And I keep thinking about what a friend (mutual friend of the two of us) said after I told her a bit about my side of why he left me/I gave up. She said that he was a lot of fun...until he's not. And that's so true. He can be great...until he's not. And then he's really not. And she said she wasn't surprised.

Sigh. I'm so tired.

In other good news, back about a month ago I had installed Bumble For Friends. I'd tried it out ages ago in London and had kind of met some people and I thought I'd try it again. This was before the world crumbled. Anyway, I'd had it on both male and female at first and then quickly switched to just female as it was obvious the dudes weren't looking for just friendship even though it is literally in the name of the app. Anyway, one lady I've been chatting with seems nice and a good possibility and hopefully we'll meet up in the new year.

I do not think I will ever try a dating app. 

Another Day...

Writing has always helped me. I'm going to try to write in here more often. Also because I don't feel like I know how my finances are going to shake out yet and I don't want to add a therapy charge on top of anything else until I know. Which maybe isn't good, but my dude (who I shall henceforth refer to as Yamada), is going weekly right now for £160 a pop. And Yamada needs it. I haven't written about any of that, but I'm going to sit that out for now. I don't think anyone reads this, but you never know, even though I don't have it indexed. Search is sneaky. And Yamada's business is Yamada's business.

Anyway. Today. Yamada didn't make it into school. They'd made the rest of the week but today was just too much. And you know what, fair. Every day has been hard and I find myself randomly sobbing out of nowhere. But, I needed to charge that hateful car today, so I went to the gym where there are chargers and gave it a shot. I made it through 5K, a bit of running, but mostly hill climb so I could watch Campfire Cooking in Another World. I was lucky in that none of the old ladies that know anything about me were in at the same time, so I got out without any questions. And then I went to Sainsbury's and managed to buy the tiniest little Christmas tree ever (they'd had more the day before--I wish I'd bought one then) without crying. We're going to decorate our little Charlie Brown tree tomorrow.

I did put up some Christmas decorations. And I've been hanging up art that's been sitting in the closet. I just want -- need -- things to feel different. Other. And I'm making a stack of husband stuff in an out of the way corner of the living room for him to pack. Old me would have done the packing but new me is tired.

I am swapping between ok, relieved, terrified, and lonely on a regular basis. But trying to breathe and reclaim myself. I had some small acts of rebellion -- I swirled my coffee, which he hated and would complain about. I only opened the curtains half way instead of all the way. I researched possible used cars so I can be shut of his car that I absolutely detest and makes my blood boil (charging it today was a fiasco, I had to try three machines to get it to connect and it was freezing outside). 

Instead of Friday pizza, we had crispy duck and pancakes and some hoisin duck bao. We watched an episode of the Apothecary Diaries together. Yamada suggested that we pick a different meal every Friday (instead of our traditional homemade pizza night) and we're going to call it Fancy Fridays until we come up with a better name. I played whatever music I wanted, which was not, contrary to what he seemed to think I listened to, any man-hating stuff. As evidenced by my Spotify wrapped, I mostly listen to K-Pop and fast songs good for exercising to. 

We decided on a new tradition: Katsu Curry Christmas. 

So progress was made. I still took a bath and sobbed for a bit, but there were moments of okay-ness today.

Eggshells

The thing that I have been threatened with and feared for so many years has finally happened, though perhaps not in the way I thought it would. After 34 years, instead of leaving me in a fit of drunken anger or just plain cruelty, my husband is leaving me because he doesn't want to hurt me anymore. And that is a true thing, but it is also true that, in a lot of ways, I think it was easier for him to leave than to actually try and change or be better. He's refused to try therapy or counselling or anything like that and 

I have stayed because I love him. I have stayed, at times, because I had no choice--literally no choice: stuck in another country with nowhere to return to and no help and a child. I have stayed because there were also good times and because there was always hope and glimmers of the man that I loved. 

I am not perfect either. Though I had tried many times to tell him, I should have tried harder, been more honest instead of scared. Now it's too late.

I'll write more another time. I'm just so exhausted.