loose ends

There are days when I feel more or less like I'm hanging by a thread, swaying slightly in that kind of wind that you barely feel. Dangling.

To be honest, fairly sure my hormones are all screwed up again. But there's not much I can do about that as I've got to stay on the medication I'm on and all the others I tried seemed to mess me up worse.

So I'm trying not to wallow. But some days it is hard.

It doesn't help that I'm waiting to hear back from my agent. Am trying to brainstorm some other things but mostly it's the waiting. It's slowly killing me. I feel like I've made one wrong choice after another in my career, though I know that there are people who look at me and go, "Woot! You've got 4 books published! You have an agent! You've made it!" But, meh, not really. I feel very unsuccessful.

Mostly I'm pretty sure I could disappear off the face of the earth and my little dude would be the only one that noticed. After all, I make him breakfast and get him out of bed and walk him to school and clean up his messes and give him hugs. And the dog. I'm the one that opens the refrigerator door, that magic box with good smelling things inside that stymies his intellect.

It's terribly hard to write when I'm like this, when the thing I ought to be working on is a happy little middle grade fantasy that I need to finish some edits on (not that it has a home yet). My mind just isn't quite in the right place. It's on pause. It's waiting.

Waiting is by far the suckiest part of this job.

On the plus side, I got a fan letter for the first time in ages. There's been so few actual physical letters since we moved overseas. So it was a really nice surprise. They sent it via my publisher. So I answered that yesterday. Getting letters, especially snail mail, is the best. I could use some good things.

Have been trying to be social online. Haven't been into the city to hang out with friends, though I am going in tomorrow. It's been too cold to even want to go. I've been a cave troll, if cave trolls hung out in cozy offices with roaring fireplaces and drank too much coffee.