It's been a long time since I posted here anything real...i.e. not drama or anime or manga related. I suppose it's because I'm trying not to think about anything too deeply. It's just a lot, as the song says. Not the Pink Floyd song; the one by K. Flay.
I'm dealing well enough with mom's death. It hits me every now and then, but that will be forever. Shoot, dad's death still gets me sometimes and he's been gone since 1988. I am parentless. Can you be an orphan when you're this old? And I am feeling old. Just had another birthday. A lockdown birthday.
The world is still on fire, though at least not literally so much anymore. Doesn't matter, though. Figuratively is still bad enough. Pandemic still ongoing. I'm not even sure what the numbers are now. I stopped following along after awhile as it wasn't doing anything but making me feel worse. At least there are some vaccines now and people are getting vaccinated. Some of my friends are getting their jabs now, though I don't expect to be able to get one until sometime in the fall. Not old enough for that or unhealthy enough, small blessing that.
Glad the US now has Biden, but all of the horrible underbelly that exposed itself during Trump is still there. It's not like that just disappears overnight. It never goes away, honestly. It's always there. It's here too. I suppose that one thing the last couple of years have shown is that there is so much evil and awfulness and it is pervasive; a cancer eating away, going deep. It's a heavy weight nowadays. I don't feel like I have much hope left in me anymore. I always used to think that most people were at least, if not good, they were decent. Now I don't know. I've had to unfriend a veritable boatload of family over on Facebook; I couldn't take the hate anymore.
Anyway. On a personal level, I feel like I did pretty good during that first lockdown, even though mom's decline and death were so recent then. I exercised a lot. I finished a book. I lost weight. During this one and over the holiday (are we on our third lockdown??), I've gained back a fair bit of that weight even though I am still exercising. And the thing is, I want to whittle myself away and disappear. But it seems the opposite is happening. Maybe I'm not exercising hard enough? The elliptical is out in the shed and it's freezing out there; I have to keep the heater on. It has even been snowing and we don't usually get much snow. Not a lot, honestly, not when we used to live in Chicago, but enough that things like bright and new for just a while.
The dog hates it. He pees on the deck whenever there's fresh snow. Anything to keep from going out into it.
I've also felt like crap. Is it a bit of depression too? I don't know. It's something. I've had an off and on horrible cough (almost more like acute allergy attacks) to the point I lose my voice for a few weeks now. Even went to get a COVID test, but it was negative. So I don't know what it is. Just another mystery. It's like I suddenly fill up with phlegm. And cough until my sides ache. Nose burns. But then I'll be fine for a while. Sometimes it's after I eat. Sometimes for no reason at all. I feel like I'm falling apart.
Work-wise...I'm having trouble writing. I need to work on the one middle grade to get it back in shape or on the YA Death book I need to finish, but I'm having trouble working up the energy to work on either one. Still waiting to hear back from my editor on book two that I turned in last summer. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing or just a thing. Never had a book come out during a pandemic before. Doing a few online workshops and what social media I can, but it feels rather useless. But I don't know if that's just general doldrums talking.
I randomly have a cry for no reason. Just stand in the middle of the laundry room by myself, not able to hold it back anymore.
Have been playing The Sims again, which I hadn't done in quite a while. It's mindless. Like I can live a bit through their goals and their little lives, their simple needs. Food. Sleep. Bathroom breaks.
You know, I know what some of it is. I'm lonely. There are two other people in this house -- and a dog -- but I am desperately lonely.
And that's enough of this. I'll be starting a new drama soon, probably the silliest one I can find. That'll be the next post.
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