I can haz anger

I feel really angry today. Sad, yes, but also angry. It may be because I took my morning to drop off some of T's (going with an initial because, honestly, I do not want to type husband anymore) Portuguese Visa paperwork to a place to get apostilled. It's a favour, as this is purely just for him, obviously, as he's leaving and buggering off to Portugal without me. Texted him I'd dropped it. Sent an update on Yamada. No response.

I know he's busy off doing wedding stuff but it made me think about how I am. Just. Too. Damn. Nice. For 34 years I've done shit for him -- stuff he didn't want to do or didn't think to do or whatever. Sent the Christmas cards. Bought the presents. Made appointments. Took care of all the house stuff. Did all the parenting stuff. Moved whenever he needed to move. Always did all the packing. The laundry. 

I am so done. I am so, so, so tired. 

I don't even know what I want to do with my life, really, but I do know I don't want to DO anything for him anymore because I haven't gotten anything out of it but meanness and cruelty in recent years. Random strangers have been nicer to me than T has in the last 15 years in particular. It wasn't always bad, but it was never always good, if you know what I mean.

I've tried SO HARD for so long to hold the relationship together that I feel very lost right now. I will find my own way and I will be okay. I do have my own dreams. I am my own person. I don't have to be someone else's shadow.

Oh. And the other thing that really rubbed me the wrong way today. I posted in our Friends DND WhatsApp group that I'd found & bought a car (as old car was his car and besides hating it, it was HIS car). And he responds THERE and says "Little steps" and I wanted to just say FUCK YOU VERY MUCH. It wasn't a little step for me. It was a big deal for me. Visited multiple dealerships. I researched cars, of which I have very little interest in. Drove 40 minutes to go test drive it -- in the rain, which I hate driving in. Even bargained a bit. Set up the delivery and the insurance and paid the car tax and set up reminders for the MOT and set up breakdown cover, which we've never bothered with before, because now I don't have anyone to call in case of an emergency. It wasn't a little step for me.

I feel like he's been trying to make me small for 34 years and I am so very, very exhausted of it all.