When it hurts

All kinds of pain this week. All different kinds. Two days of a lot of walking on a foot with some kind of verruca wart thing (apparently picked it up from walking around in the showers at the gym...ugh...never had one before and it's quite painful...not to mention kinda gross...and the treatment isn't all that nice either...just ARGH all the way around).

Though the walking itself was nice -- old friends from Florida (now in Saudi) were in town and I took them around. Had a good tour around Soho/Covent Garden/Chinatown one day and then around Portobello the next.

Then back to the gym as per usual but I tried my free monthly massage with a new girl and told her deep tissue was fine...but now I regret it. I hurt like someone beat me silly. It's ridiculous. I feel black and blue. Purple. I still went back this morning or my normal workout, though I seriously contemplated chickening out. I managed. But I hurt, O I hurt.

But I'm so close to losing a bit more weight and I just can't be this me anymore, so there I went. I'm at a frustrating point -- thinner than I've been in quite a while and a better body shape (hello, waist, there you are) BUT also still in the clothes I consider my "fat clothes." I'll take a picture one day and think, okay, I'm not that bad and then another the next day and feel that crushing despair of oh fuck I'm old and ugly. Trying to just be Go, me!  Keep myself going. Already planning on how to keep up the schedule while I'm in the US.

And hubster doesn't help. He spews out insults so casually sometimes. And I can take a lot of things, but the thing that bothers me the most is when he calls me stupid. That's the one that gets under my skin. Says talking to me is like talking to a brick sometimes. Not the first time he's said it, either.

I'm not a stupid person. I've got an IQ of 149. Everyone else manages to carry on a conversation with me without calling me stupid.

I know I shouldn't dwell on it, but after so many years, I think he knows how to hurt me. I'm just not sure why he wants to.

Well. You know what? Gonna stop there because I'm just making myself sad and it's a beautiful day outside.