It's been a weird day

It was kind of a weird day for me. I'm actually feeling okay-ish about the future. I mean, as much as I can at this point. But I was also just randomly crying for no particular reason off and on all day. I don't know why. It's frustrating. I'm not actually feeling particularly sad or mad or anything either. Tired, yeah. Made it to 6 AM-ish sleepwise (after falling asleep around 1 AM-ish). So I took a walk and saw a beautiful sky and even a bit of early morning rainbow. Pretty skies in the morning are one of the few things that Coventry has to offer.

Then I did 30 minutes of stretching / dumbbells. Had a shower, had a coffee. Made lunch for Yamada. Got them to go to the store with me and get out of the house for a little bit. Had overnight oats. Tried unsuccessfully to install a new cabin filter in the new car (leftover air freshener smell is killing Yamada). Trying the nuclear option of leaving a bowl of white vinegar in it overnight and set up an appointment for Tuesday to get the filter (hopefully) put in.

Didn't get any work done or my desk cleaned off. Wanted to. Couldn't bring myself to do it.

Did do some decluttering and organising. I pulled some more of T's stuff to put in his pile. If I have to stay here, I want a safe place. A place I don't have to think about how small I've had to make myself. There's not too much more I can do though--I've already pulled the most obvious things. 

Odd thoughts do go through my head. That I don't know that I'll ever want to date and I really don't think I can imagine ever getting married again, not at my age. I don't want to rely on someone else again. Or lose myself again. I don't think I could trust a man again. At all. And the fact that if I did date, I can't imagine making love to someone else. I've only been with T. Even though I'm in better shape than I have been in years, I am over 50. I can't imagine showing this body to someone. And how would I sleep in a room with someone else? After all he's said about me snoring or moving too much or whatever? It'll always be in my head. All the little comments. All the criticisms. 

I know it's all new and hopefully this kind of shit will fade with time. But some things stay with you, especially when you've been hearing them for years.

Tomorrow I go into London to do some paperwork and will hopefully see my friends Gail and Tracey for lunch. Which I am looking forward to, but also not because there's a better than even chance I'll be crying in public, which I don't want to do. But it is what it is. 

I get why T wanted to get this over with as soon as he decided--but things are always on his schedule. Did he even spare a thought that this would doubly suck in December and through Christmas? I am guessing the answer to that is no--because he only does what is best for him. And it's been that way forever.

I don't know that another man could convince me to date ever after this. I think about every single man I've met remotely close to my age and...no. Just, no.