The Good, The Bad, The Ugly Cry

So, yesterday wound up mostly successful. I went into London (cancelled train, but got there just in time to catch the earlier one) and off to Cannon Street to open the Fidelity account. They were nice. And I was totally holding it together and even talking matter-of-factly about the coming divorce. But right at the end, the guy looks me dead in the eye and goes: "And how are you?" and I nearly lost it. But I managed to contain it and just sounded a little squeaky for a minute. I'm really starting to hate that question. I'd like to ban it. I need a t-shirt that says "Don't Ask Me How I Am". 

Then I met up with Gail and Tracey at Kings Cross and we had lunch and talked for a few hours. Told them all kinds of stuff. They were great, though I felt like I was probably unloading too much, but they kept asking. Though it perhaps also felt like I was being too much because for so long I've just kept it all inside.

It was just good to be in London, even for a short time. It really is the place I feel more at home than anywhere else. The anonymity of a city, a real city. The bustle. 

I did manage to fit in a quick eyebrow wax on the walk back to Euston. Then back home, more cancelled trains, but mine luckily was just a little late. Made dinner for Yamada, but I was too full from the fish cakes and poached eggs at lunch.

Didn't take any pills last night and didn't sleep real well. I really might have to try the doctor for something to help with that. But, tonight I think I'll try a sleeping pill. 

Weight this morning: 46.9 kgs / 103.3 lbs. 17.9% body fat.

[Start Feb 2024 66.2 kg (147 lbs); Total Loss Now 19.3 kg/43.7 lbs.
Body fat originally about 32.2% so total loss 14.3%]

Another new low. Probably from just really one meal yesterday, though I really was full. 

Today, I went to the gym. Did an hour, mostly hill climb (500 m elevation) and 5K. Was annoyed in the locker room because it was BOTH of the annoying ladies that take up ALL the space unapologetically and never move their shit out of the way. 

Dropped Yamada at school after lunch and tried to get the cabin air filter in the car changed (wasn't the right filter, so I have to return it). He also told me I need to change the rear brake pads soon-ish (front were okay) and thinks they probably actually sprayed something in the vent, which is why we've got the strong air freshener smell. So changing the filter may help (it does need it, it's old) but just running it on high as often as possible will probably be the fastest way to clear it. Had to pay £30 and not get really anything done other than find out some things, but, hey. 

Felt really frustrated after that. I could have searched longer for a car, though I do think it's fine and I got an ok deal, but also just needed to have it done and not drive around the old one anymore. It'll be okay, but right now when anything isn't going right, it just feels very heavy. Too many things. All the things. 

And today is the day that T is telling his dad, though it's 6 PM here and he hasn't done it yet. So I feel like that's been hanging over me all day, because I know they are going to be upset. But its like a dark cloud just hovering over me that I can't get out from under and I'm just waiting for the torrential rain to start.

Man. Definitely a sleeping pill tonight.